Korean Cult: Feeling Lost and Incomplete
Today on a sunny day as I sit in my living room I want to take some time to write and share my story in regards to the Bible study related to Shincheonji. Throughout my years in my life of faith I had some ups and downs, some different struggles and questions that lingered. During my later years in college I felt like I was at a point ready to grow spiritually and wanted my questions answered. So I began on a quest looking into different fellowships on campus. During a sunny summer day like today’s, I was invited to some Bible studies, since I was looking for a fellowship group and heard that I would learn more about God and the Bible was a win win for me. The minute I started attending the Bibles study I was mesmerized by how much I was learning from the Bible. And on top of it, every meeting was fun and the people there were what I would say “the nicests people I had ever met”.
The teachings I learned with them were different from what I had learned before, taken that I had grown as a catholic then converted to Christianity when I was around 15 years old. Something that always amazed me was that even though the teaching was different, it was always confirmed with the Bible, it always made sense and it was a teaching that I could not deny no matter how much my heart felt that the previous doctrine I had learned was correct. I was always thankful that my mentor was always there to help guide me with a genuine heart, I could see she really saw me as a disciple and child of God.
I learned through their entire program and eventually joined their church after about 10 months of learning the Bible with them. I was happy with them, I felt I had purpose and I loved the people there and the way we saw each other as brothers and sisters. The feeling of a family was real. It was at this same time however, that I had a lot of things to juggle in my life. Being in my last year before graduating from college, and my family going through serious problems, problems ranging from issues involving health problems, family fights and disagreements at home. All these things together severely affected me and drained me emotionally as well as physically. My situation at home and school and social life was affecting me so much to the point of the stress getting me sick. I grew numb to everything because I didn’t want to be in the situation I was in. I was not strong enough to handle it. I didn’t feel the joy of being with whom I once called “my family of New Heaven New Earth” but just wanted to be alone and for things to get back to how they once were, when things were peaceful.
My decision at that time was to take a mental step back on everything, and that is everything, including the new path I had found in new heaven new earth. I couldn’t bear the thought of feeling lost and incomplete, I didn’t know what to believe in because I was unsure that I believed God gave comfort anymore. My mental health was not fine, I started to question everything. I questioned if God really existed because of all the negativity that I saw around me not only at my own home but the negative things that happened around the world but worst of all my own negativity that hunted me.
My decision after a lot of time contemplating was to leave. I left Shincheonji. I left not because of the teaching I had learned there or because of the people were so bad and manipulative as some might say. I just needed to put my life at a pause and reflect on everything that had happened in such a short time. I needed to focus on myself first. I was told I would receive help overcoming my current circumstances and did receive counseling, talks with my mentor and other leaders… however I couldn’t see their use if I didn’t fix myself, my mindset and thinking. I think I had too much hate towards myself. I needed to first find love within me.
Nevertheless, even as I write these words today, I still think if leaving Shincheonji was the best decision I could have taken. I still ask myself to this day, what if I took the wrong decision? Was I selfish?Now, there is not one day that goes by without me thinking what if things had been different? And my thoughts still haunt me daily; a battle and struggle I still face.
I share this because I want to express the truth behind my own story, I want to at least do something right. I know for a fact that I am not the only one with a testimony like this, I do hope to read yours too. Thank you.